I think too much. I know that. But how can you tell yourself to not think about something? Especially if that something is thinking itself!
Okay, I can see I'm getting a little too deep for you.
Let me lay it out here.
The things I've been thinking about.
Love:
How do you know it's there?
Are you supposed to be hit with it? Like a train, or a bus or other things people use to violently describe the feeling of love?
If I broke up with boyfriends that I said 'I love you' to, was I actually not really in love, since we broke up?
Is this "love" bullshit actually created by the media and only exists in television and movies and is only intended for people like Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock?
I would always ask my ex boyfriend, "Why do you love me?" In a whole, desperate sad girlfriend way.
"Chemicals in my brain! Hormones and pheromones," he would say, kissing me on the top of my head on his way out the door. My love for him felt desperate and tangled, mixed with a lethal dose of anxiety and passion.
So that was sweet.
To my other ex boyfriend I would ask the same question, and he would tell me a different thing every night. My love for him felt warm and comfortable, and sometimes spread through my chest and shoulders like a blanket when he touched me.
I don't know what love is, or what it is supposed to feel like. It feels to me right now like love is made of compromise. I don't date smokers, but he is incredibly funny. I don't date short guys, but he likes to read.
Full of things you don't like, mixed with things you've always wanted.
When you find love, do all the pieces fall into place and that person is perfect? Or do you just not care about those little things you hated because... I don't know!
My boss at work is awesome, and she and her husband love each other very much. When I asked her how she knew that she was going to marry him, she said,
"After two weeks, I knew that if I spent more time with him and actually dated him, I would never leave him. We would get married."
That is an example of the hit by a train love. That actually exists for people!
My mom and dad have been married about 30 years. They are the perfect couple. I have only heard them fight once, that I can remember. My mom loves my dad more then herself and vice versa. Sometimes they meet for dinner and they're wearing the matching outfits. It's disgusting.
My mother on my dad:
"I didn't think I was going to marry him, no."
So that's comforting!
How did you know you wanted to marry Dad then?
"I guess because I couldn't imagine being without him."
I know I shouldn't even think this much about it. I'm 23, it's not like I want to get married tomorrow. But I have always been so curious. So, so curious about everything. And incredibly impatient to boot.
And now it's like, I want to experience this thing, but it's not like sky diving, or sushi. You can't just order it.
I want to know how it feels, I want to know what I am like in love. I want it to color my day and my being a bright yellow.
Is this going to be like college, where the entire time I was stressed out, and tired and having the time of my life without realizing that it was the time of my life?
Is being single right now going to be like that?
Should I not be in a relationship just for the experience of not being in a relationship?
Can I turn my brain OFF?
"At one point, we were very attractive and young,
but then you got Alzheimer's and I lost the ability to hold
an erection."
All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.
- Andre Breton
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