Enemy: 99 %

A nifty feature on Okcupid is their matching system. And by nifty, I mean potentially useless and fun to think about.
You answer questions on the site, and it gives you matches based on how many answers you have in common. Now, in a perfect world, this would totally make sense and everyone would find their perfect soul mate using this method. HOWEVER. People tend to have complicated personalities and cannot be defined by some random answer to a completely random question like:
If you had a pet, would you let it sleep in your bed?
For the record, it really depends how big the pet is.
That's the problem with me; I rarely answer questions Yes or No. There is always a possibility, a 'C' answer, a third option. Or a fourth or fifth.
 It's interesting to look at people that are your "matches," but you know what's even more interesting?
Finding people you would absolutely despise.
And going on dates with them. I bet you someone that is my "90% enemy" will be more attractive to me then my "99% matches". We'll see.

Let us begin with:
fmlshifty
Stats: 0% Match, 2% Friend, 99% Enemy
Profile Picture: Guy with shaved head hugging gigantic stuffed dog you might win at the fair.

WELL. It looks like he's at least 6" tall, so we're off to a good start.
Tell me a little about yourself FML:

"im a great listener... I know grammar and punctuation its just that im too lazy to press the shift key or the ' key. but you all know what i mean... lol"

Hmm. Okay, but what do you do?

"Im getting promoted fast and i deploy often. So basically FUCKING SHIT UP. :)"
Oh good. That seems legit. Fucking shit up with a smiley face. What's your favorite book, movie, etc?
cat in the hat
I also enjoy children's literature! Though not Dr. Seuss. At all. ... Let's move on to some questions. How do you feel about same sex relationships?
Girl on Girl is okay, but Guy on Guy is wrong.
But... That makes... no sense... Moving on... Do you like to discuss politics?
Hardly. Politics are boring or personal. 
What do you do for a living?
I'm in the army.

I think we're done here. 

chris1984mays
Stats: 0% Match, 0% Friend, 86% Enemy
Profile Picture: Guy in cowboy hat.
Okay, we have no chance of being friends ever, but that's okay. We can just be passionate lovers.
I just want to be able to have the conpanian ship of a woman
Oh. Okay. Uh, what do you like to do on Fridays?
I am a cow boy so the country club is were I go on weekends
Yeeha! I love cowboys. So tell me a sexy secret.
I am startin to think I will be alone all my life.
I'm sure that's... Not... True...

JuicyMcPirate
Stats: 0% Match, 16% Friends, 75% Enemy
Profile Picture: A pirate.
What are you pirates up to these days?
Pillagin' the gentry, keelhaulin' filthy bilge rats, drinkin' rum, buryin' me booty, n' makin' treasure maps. 
I loves me a good keelhauling. Tell me more.
Me life revolves 'round yonder high seas of the mighty Carribean. However, in recent times I have realized me life tis empty without a buxom wench at meside. Do to a shortage of time (what with cap'n duties and all) me only hope is too search the internet for me perfect wench.
I think I love you. 

Yar, I am so sexy my hair be steamin.

The Lookout, Capital Hill

Went here the other day on the date with Mr. Financial Adviser. It was quite nice. Had some macaroni! No salads for this girl. (Though really I do love salads.) It had bacon in it, which you would think would make it ten times better then normal mac n cheese, but no. It was still just mac n cheese.

The view was awesome however.

 The Lookout on Capital Hill

I would give it a 3 out of 5 stars. The food was pretty okay, the waitress was nice. It was almost impossible to get a seat outside and when we did we were seated by some construction they were doing on the patio. But the view! That's such a Washington thing. "Look at the mountain today!" is our motto here. I used to get irritated with my mom for being so crazy about a damn mountain, but now whenever I'm driving and I see it I do exactly the same thing. Oh Washington.

 

I'm sure this is super interesting to ya'll, 

but this is the Klahowya, the ferry I ride every morning. 

We're on a first name basis and stuff. No big deal.

I am kind of like a hobo these days; I have my hamper of clothes in the trunk for my two jobs (Pants, t-shirt and TOMS for the youth theatre, Black dress, fishnets and high heels for other theatre. Hamper very necessary.), my quilt and pillow in my backseat for my 6:30 ferry ride and my millions of library books which are probably overdue. And the detritus of a million Starbucks runs. It's not pretty. Now all I need is a grocery cart and a sign and I'm all set.

It would probably say, "Please let me sleep." Which is not even close to being as cool as this dude:

My relationship with homeless people is very complicated, having 

grown up in Seattle. I am a pretty compassionate person, but when it

comes to the homeless people in the city, I pretend they don't exist. I 

was taught this from a very young age. So I feel bad for them and all,

but also do not acknowledge their presence.

This week at work I am sitting at the front desk, answering calls and making appointments. It's all very Mad Men (If the women on Mad Men wore khakis and had to deal with children running around the lobby pretending to be pirates).

 

So not so much.

In any case, I will probably be posting a lot! Normally I would be running around pretending to be a turtle, or whatever my classes require me to be, but this week I am "secretary". Not my favorite role.

I'm going to go answer phones now. Potentially in a British dialect. Like MonePenny.The best secretary ever.

That's more like it! Ta!

Mr. Polite

There's almost no point to writing about Mr. Polite, except for the fact this blog is about dating, and even the incredibly mediocre boring dates get a nod.
First date: 
Awesome, went to an improv show. Good times. Kind of a perfect first date; totally silly, really funny and a good way to gauge how your date does under pressure. Also theater, which is a given. Mr. Polite is a shorter, blonde, blue eyed guy. He has a nice smile and glasses, which I dig. He is not dressed like an idiot, which is a bonus.
Mentioned I did not have plans for the 4th of July. He immediately suggests I come with him and a couple of friends to their beach house. I demur, though inside I am pretty excited; he likes me! No one in their right mind would invite someone they were not interested in to spend a whole weekend with him!
Really, in hindsight, no one should ask someone on their first date to come on a weekend vacation with them, unless it's going AMAZING. (Which it was not. It was going pretty okay!) 
We end up at my car. He says:
"So... what do we do, do we shake hands, hug, make out? Ha ha... ha..." I pause and stare at him for a long second.
"If you have to ask, probably not."
We part ways with a kiss on the cheek, but I am optimistic.
Second Date
Mr. Polite invites me to accompany him to a show his friend has written at The Odd Duck on Capital Hill. We meet with his friends, and I oddly find myself more attracted to them then him. They are all really awesome people that immediately buy me a drink and offer me bites of their delicious dinner. His friend foots the bill. Can I date someone just for his friends?
We are seeing a play called "Vitriol", about a newspaper in Germany that resisted Hitler when he first came into power. It was not a happy story. Mr. Polite tries to hold my hand while people are being sent to internment camps. I laugh and then immediately regret my reaction. I think about it for the next five minutes, debating whether I should try and hold his hand again, but the moment has passed.
We are at my car again.
"No awkward kiss on the cheek this time I promise! Ha ha...ha..."
We part ways with no kiss at all. I am suspicious and enraged.
Date Three
I know. Why is there even a date three. I have no fucking clue. He asked if I would like to go to a movie, he has free tickets. He is insistent I meet him in Northgate, because that is right next to his work. He offers to buy dinner in exchange for my driving such a long way.
I would like to see Cowboys and Aliens. The title itself is delightful and Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford are dreamy.
He says the reviews are bad, how about Planet of the Apes?
 I'm not going to type this out, but this conversation goes back and forth for about five minutes, in the ticket line, both of us saying we don't care which one we go see EXCEPT he really does care, obviously, because why would he suggest-
It is just as irritating in person as it is to read it on the internet!
We see Planet of the Apes.
I would rather be outside. I hate seeing movies during the day.
We go to dinner and he talks about himself the entire time, and while paying the bill mentions how much he hates paying for things. I ask a question and he replies with distracted nod while gazing over my head. I accusingly jokingly mention that he's not a very good listener.
"What'd you say?"
Mr. Polite has turned out not to be very polite. What I thought was politeness was really just self absorption. 
We leave. I am inside my car at lightening speed, leaving no time for any weird goodbyes.
I sing along to the radio but change the words.
"Soooooo not wortthhhh thissss drriiivvveeeeeee."

You tell me at what point this was destined to not work out. When I refused to let someone ask to kiss me,  when I laughed when he tried to hold my hand, when his friend payed for my drink, or when he did not give a shit which movie I wanted to go to, or what I had to say. So many to choose from.

Please Don't Touch Me There

Can we talk about hand holding?
And how incredibly uncomfortable this makes me?
According to everyone else in the world, this makes me some sort of cold hearted monster, but I just don't want you to touch me there.
Are you my boyfriend? No. I just met you! I don't even know your middle name, or that I even like you yet! We just had an awkward couple of beers and now we're walking. Down the street. And you grab my hand like it ain't no thang.
But it is, it really is. Especially since you are 5'6 (And that's actually pretty generous. I even wore flats in preparation for this date, but it didn't help as much as we had both hoped) and that is just so short. I wish it didn't matter, but it does. I have a couple of preferences that occasionally clash with my feminist ideals, and having a tall man is one of them. My personality is large enough, I do not want my body to also be larger then you. How will you pick me up and spin me around, a la Dirty Dancing?
So you grab my hand. You want this to be very natural and fun, this walking around, 'la la la, what a lovely stroll we are having this evening!'  Instead you grasp desperately, clammily at me like I might run. Which is possible at this point.
Now we walk for the next ten minutes, arms awkwardly swinging back and hands wrestling to adjust to something that might feel comfortable. Mr. Financial Advisor, you are a very nice man. But why did you have to touch me there?
What is it about this forced intimacy that nice guys think is okay?
You might say: "Hey crazy person, hand holding is not that big of a deal. You are being a little bit nuts."
To that I say, "Shut up."
And listen, hand holding is wonderful. I love to hold me some hands, okay? But don't force it! Just let it happen naturally! If the date is not going well, or I'm taking a little time to warm up, GRABBING MY HAND is a terrible idea.
Mr. Polite (Or Mr. Ballsless, which is the preferred title now) tried to hold my hand once. We were sitting in a dark theater, watching a play, and he looked at me and pushed his hand over his chair rest onto mine.
And I laughed.
Okay, good example of why I am horrible on dates sometimes.
But before you judge too harshly, ask me what the play was about. Go on.
It was about NAZIS. I'm not in the hand holdy mood when I'm watching a play about genocide. Should I be? Is this a normal thing?

So Mr. Financial Advisor is a no go. And not because he is a cast member of Darby O' Gill and the little people short man. Because we had absolutely nothing to talk about, and he wanted to take me home and make me a quesadilla. And I'm pretty sure he meant that literally. He didn't want to have sex, he really wanted to make me some college guy mexican food.
Also, when we walked past the Castle store on Capital Hill, he made some comment about how that store was for people that wanted to dress up as Knights and Princesses.
I gently informed him that was not the case.

Saturday Night Chats

Anikan222:   : )

MissDateable: ( )FHJAKKNDFBKNN#&@%*#

Anikan222: LOL O : )

I deeply detest smiley faces. I can't think of anything that is more of a turn off to me. 

Conversation with "Beardy"

wanna come over and pull on my beard lol

well I haven't even asked you if you're a serial killer yet

well I am

that's usually my first question, but we got off topic about beards...

so good thing you asked

good!

I'm glad we got that out of the way!

I am also a serial kiler

but only clean shaven people

wanna come over

I thought we covered this

not really

I am not in Seattle, and you are a serial killer and very beardy

;)

aha you are so charming with your smilies and stuff

are you being sarcastic?

:)

yes

a lot.

figures

yeah. bitches, right?

Fatherliness

Tomorrow I have a date with andelay99. He seems like a nice guy; financial advisor, tutors at a highschool. I'm not sure how much I trust people that willingly spend time with teenagers (Not because I think they're pedophiles, but because I find teenagers to be incredibly irritating), but it's nice that he volunteers?
Question mark?
I think women list these things like volunteering, loving your family, having a creative job and being nice to puppies on our "want" lists, but when we actually end up running into these men, they end up being incredibly...
Boring?
Okay, "loving your family" is a bad example. You should love your family. But I have had boyfriends that barely tolerated their family and they were still amazing guys. Their families were just really shitty.
We make these lists; these incredibly detailed, specific list of our perfect guy. But is this list accurate, or does it just reflect our ideas of what we should want our perfect guy to be like? I know that we are supposed to love men that love their mothers, but honestly, if your mother is horrible, I would prefer that you did not like her. And okay, if you volunteer, that's great... But you really had nothing more fun to do with your time? Maybe you think volunteering is fun, and in that case, I do not want to go on a date with you. You might take me to a soup kitchen. 
Does this mean I am a bad person, or being honest with myself? 
Men's Fitness Magazine surveyed more than 1,000 American women ages 21 to 54 in two online polls. One was conducted by Opinion Research Corporation, based in Princeton, New Jersey, and the other was done on BestLifeOnline.com. 
The survey found that the top five character traits women desire are:
1. Faithfulness
2. Dependability
3. Kindness
4. Moral Integrity
5. Fatherliness


Me, I feel like the first four are just a guide to being a decent human being. The fifth one cracks me up, because that is obviously our ovaries talking ladies. Was that sexist? Does it count since I'm a woman? Alls I know is when I see a man with a baby, I am doubled over in pain from the neediness of my ovaries to make a baby. Chill out guys, I'll put you to use eventually. Or possibly soon if that deal goes through with those infertile parents. (Just kidding.)
So, basically: Don't cheat on me, don't stand me up, don't be an asshole and don't work at BP. 
Look, I'll say it. These things are all fine and good, and kind of a "duh" factor for me, but what about those things we don't really want to admit we want?
My Guilty Wish List:
1. Meanness.   Please don't make me be mean over here all by myself. Let's make fun of that homeless person together!
2. Jealousy   Yes, that guy did just check out my ass. You go ahead and scowl at him. 
3. Asshole Potential (Or "Assertive") Yes, the waiter brought us the wrong check after ignoring us all evening. Don't you dare leave him a tip.
4. Roughness This may be one a nice guy can pull off, but I haven't met him yet. Throw me up against that wall please. 


I'm exaggerating a bit. I don't want to date a jerk, and I myself am only mean about 25% of the time and only about very specific things. But I also think these standards we expect men to meet are a little ridiculous, not to mention boring. How about a guy that collects stuff? How about someone that loves the banjo? Someone incredibly anal about spelling?


So this date tomorrow. I have been tricked again by the height. I should really follow my own rules. He is 5'6, which is barely taller then me. Barely. Does this matter? I don't know! If I'm going to be looking online I feel like I am getting the bargain bin anyway. Which is hypocritical considering andalay99 is also meeting someone he met online. From the supposed bargain bin. I would rather label my bin as "slightly tarnished but still almost like new". Or "New to You"! Which is a creepy antique-ish store in my town. 
I think my problem is that I still think of myself as an incredible catch. Which is not to say that great self esteem is bad, but I am incredibly critical of people. I think of myself as an "8", and I have been out on dates with 4-6's on okcupid. Not a whole lot of 8's going on. Or maybe there are, but since they're men their self esteem is even larger, and they think they are "10"s. 
Maybe I should not rate people by numbers.
Lots of food for thought today.


Okcupid question of the day:

No means NO!

Always. Period.Mostly, occasionally it's really a Yes in disguiseA No is just a Yes that needs a little convincing!Never, they all want me. They just don't know it.

Bonus: This is the first picture that shows up when you google "horrible date"

 Read more about what women want: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/most_desirable_traits/#ixzz1UgKdQ2BB

Graduation To Shame

Seattle is a beautiful city, it’s true. Full of trendy coffee shops, amazing vintage stores and neighborhoods; it calls to hipsters and young people like a gigantic ipad projected into the sky. I know it well, even calling myself a Seattle-ite when it comes right down to it.

But I must confess, I can’t give a Seattle zip for my address.

I was born there, later moving to Gig Harbor when my parents got tired of raising two kids in the city. I moved away to college in Ellensburg like a good girl, and upon graduating moved home (An area just a ferry ride across from Seattle) like any self respecting graduate with no money. 

So here I am. Waking up every morning to my Dad making me coffee, my mom getting ready for work and my dogs just making a general racket.

And that’s okay.

It’s quite a leap for me to be writing those words: It’s okay.

Because for quite some time now (And possibly once a week on a particulary rainy day) I was in the dark place. The I’ve-graduated-and-have-no-plan-and-I-live-with-my-parents place.

This is a reality for graduates in their twenties. It shouldn’t be a thing of shame; according to a study conducted by Twentysomething Inc., a consultant firm specializing in young adults, 85% of graduates in 2011 will be moving back home after graduation.

Ouch.

There is a social expectation today that we should be accomplishing things right out of the chute. Big things, things our parents passed on to us! Like taking up the good fight against whale hunting or painting signs to protest against healthcare, or the tea party!

But we are an apathetic bunch: a tweeting, facebooking bunch. We like to connect to each other on the internet, rather then holding hands at the picket line.

And that goes for dating too.

I’m not sure if you’ve seen the television ads, or been on any of the multitude of dating websites that are available to us today, but basically they offer the following things:

A myriad of available singles to choose from

An “easy, fun” way to meet people

A way to “find someone uniquely right for you!

If they were really being truthful they might say:

A total time sucker

Lonely guys in their thirties

A way to falsify and embellish the only good things about you!

And okay, that is not to say that I have not had anything good come of dating websites. Mr. Polite (whom I shall speak of further at a later date) continues to be a good time, and not a serial rapist! In fact, a large majority of relationships today begin on the internet.

So this also should not be a source of great shame. But for some reason, it still rings of desperation and sadness.

Why is that?

In any case, I have a job interview on Tuesday at a theatre, so here's hoping. My potential roommate (Another single 20 something) and I are also meeting next week to discuss rent and possible areas we'd like to move to. I'm thinking Queen Ann; I like the area, the people are friendly and not so Cap-Hill-in-your-face-hipster. Which can be scary sometimes. Capital Hill's hipsters have a passionate apathy that is something to be admired and feared. 

Or perhaps Fremont. Or West Seattle. Although West Seattle was where I was going to live with the X. And that, my friends, is a much longer story. 

Mediocre Cupid

Let me break down Okcupid for you, my main source of online dating.

You make a profile, answer questions, and are hooked up with people who have given the same answers. They give you a percentage: Match, Friend or Enemy. Which I find laughable, considering that some of the best dates I’ve been on have been with people I disagree with.

This question also gives me pause:

Do you like to argue?

-Yes

-No

-Sometimes

So if you answer “Yes” and they match you with someone who also answered “Yes”, that you also agree with on many other questions and interests, you’ve just given these two people the worst date ever.

I’ve compiled a little translator for those of you new to the scene, to help you wade through the swamp of horribly written profiles to get to the rare, honest types.

The main tool I use is the flip tool! If a person’s statement makes them sound INSANE if you say the opposite, then they’re unimaginative and someone to avoid.

Example: I love fun!

Flip it.

I hate fun!

See?

You try it. Some common ones:

- I love the outdoors!  

- I’m trustworthy

- I like to travel

- I am passionate about my job

I would like to read a profile in which someone says:

“I like to stay indoors, I have no sense of humor and I will lie to your face.”

That would probably be more accurate, considering that most of these men are older, incredibly sensitive and lie about their weight.

But I’m being mean. That will happen often. You will learn to embrace it. I guess if I was being honest I would put “I’m mean” on my profile. Instead I have written:

“I am a load of fun. I like to explore and my favorite part of my day is my ferry ride home.”

I know. I am not a load of fun, I hate exploring and my least favorite part of my day is the ferry. Two of those three things are actually true on a weekly basis.

As I am writing this a pop up appears.

“Ehtilpthia has visited your profile! 41 yr old male from Seattle”

Random profile name old guy, you do not even suspect that today you will the subject of my blog post. I apologize.

So let’s check him out.

The things he could not live without are: Food, Shelter and Happiness.

No shit! Those are also things I could not live without! We are an 80% match. I should message him if I believe in honesty and pursuing my dreams.

But what if my dreams are to become a professional con artist? Con artists are probably a lonely people.

Let’s explore more.

He has graduated college and speaks fluent English and some Greek! These are all nice things. He is 5’10 and Christian. It is always important to check these stats, because I have been surprised multiple times now with the height differences.

The internet is for porn. And short people. And probably porn featuring short people.

Ethiefkoksg’s favorite saying this week is: “Brother Wonderful”. What does that even mean? Now see, you would think that would be a negative thing, that he has posted some random saying on his profile. But no! Finally something different, something other then “I like FUN.” It adds a sense of mystery! Bravo Ethifjkjvboa. Bravo.

His pictures include five pictures in which he is wearing the same shirt and holding the camera. Sad. One of them is a picture of him jumping on the beach. He has a pretty nice body for a forty year old man!

He is, in fact, what I would like my husband to look like. Eventually. So points for you Ethildfkjhw.

OH! Newguy28743 has visited my profile.

His profile picture is him, making an incredibly sceptical face. That seems appropriate.

The most private thing he is willing to admit:

“If you happen to have long and beautiful hair, you'll probably have to repeat yourself a few times.”

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a serial killer. Well, Newguy23458, I have very short hair. Like Romeo and Juliet, we are just ships passing in the night.

The internet is very romantic that way. 

OkCupid question of the day:

The person you are seeing for awhile climbs in your window, crawls in bed with you and cuddles up. You find this:

- Scary

- A sign of neediness

- Cute

- A sign to ask them to move in!

Your thoughts?

Let Me Catch You Up

It is the weekend, and you know what that means. Plans. Do you have them?
I do not. I can't decide whether this is relieving or depressing. Little column A, little column B? My feelings on this subject are mixed, because I swear to the good lord, if I go on more "first date," I think I will scream.
I understand that the first date is supposedly the most fun. The anticipation, the nervous butterflies, those thoughts that just won't stop rocketing around your brain: Is this dress too slutty, what should I eat, will he pay (I hope he pays because I'm an intern and I have no money, oh god should I tell him I'm an intern or does that sound stupid?) etc, crazy thoughts, etc.
Then he walks in and
A) He is wearing a fedora
B) He is wearing those weird toe shoes
C) Substantially shorter then you expected
D) All of the above (This is your cue to come down with something. Very quickly. Flesh eating virus, maybe?)
I know that this is in the cards right now, this whole dating strangers thing, but I don't like it.
In college we had a whole network of men to choose from. A plethora of guys with the supposed same interests (Beer, studying, whether or not we should go to class on Monday) and needs (Beer, sex, Taco Bell). Meet them at a party, no pressure. You just both happened to be there. What a gentleman, he has offered you a jello shot. Hells yes, you would love to make out. Can he friend you on facebook? A relationship is born. It was like dating paradise.
You will let the dream float by, unaware that the second you graduate, move back home, whatever, that dream will vanish.
Poof.
Now you are in the real world, and it is NOT like Sex in The City my friends. Carrie Bradshaw must have been making some serious rounds to go on as many dates as she did. I don't have a crazy horse face and I can't get that many dates. Much less with attractive older men that have a driver and a love of crazy women.
But I digress.
The first date.
I have had quite a few in the past month. My whole goal for this summer after college was to be a grown up, get a job, go on real dates (So no jello shots. Or at least not until the second date). It was supposed to be fun and exciting and new. Instead it is exhausting, boring and frustrating.
Why did no one tell us this? In our little cocoon of college, we had heard whispers of the economy and the horrible job market. The divorce rates and the fact we would all soon have to have our own divorce of each other and our safety nets. We were too busy drinking PBR out of red cups, interpreting text messages and watching movies like Friends With Benefits. 
We had no idea.