Let me break down Okcupid for you, my main source of online dating.
You make a profile, answer questions, and are hooked up with people who have given the same answers. They give you a percentage: Match, Friend or Enemy. Which I find laughable, considering that some of the best dates I’ve been on have been with people I disagree with.
This question also gives me pause:
Do you like to argue?
-Yes
-No
-Sometimes
So if you answer “Yes” and they match you with someone who also answered “Yes”, that you also agree with on many other questions and interests, you’ve just given these two people the worst date ever.
I’ve compiled a little translator for those of you new to the scene, to help you wade through the swamp of horribly written profiles to get to the rare, honest types.
The main tool I use is the flip tool! If a person’s statement makes them sound INSANE if you say the opposite, then they’re unimaginative and someone to avoid.
Example: I love fun!
Flip it.
I hate fun!
See?
You try it. Some common ones:
- I love the outdoors!
- I’m trustworthy
- I like to travel
- I am passionate about my job
I would like to read a profile in which someone says:
“I like to stay indoors, I have no sense of humor and I will lie to your face.”
That would probably be more accurate, considering that most of these men are older, incredibly sensitive and lie about their weight.
But I’m being mean. That will happen often. You will learn to embrace it. I guess if I was being honest I would put “I’m mean” on my profile. Instead I have written:
“I am a load of fun. I like to explore and my favorite part of my day is my ferry ride home.”
I know. I am not a load of fun, I hate exploring and my least favorite part of my day is the ferry. Two of those three things are actually true on a weekly basis.
As I am writing this a pop up appears.
“Ehtilpthia has visited your profile! 41 yr old male from Seattle”
Random profile name old guy, you do not even suspect that today you will the subject of my blog post. I apologize.
So let’s check him out.
The things he could not live without are: Food, Shelter and Happiness.
No shit! Those are also things I could not live without! We are an 80% match. I should message him if I believe in honesty and pursuing my dreams.
But what if my dreams are to become a professional con artist? Con artists are probably a lonely people.
Let’s explore more.
He has graduated college and speaks fluent English and some Greek! These are all nice things. He is 5’10 and Christian. It is always important to check these stats, because I have been surprised multiple times now with the height differences.
The internet is for porn. And short people. And probably porn featuring short people.
Ethiefkoksg’s favorite saying this week is: “Brother Wonderful”. What does that even mean? Now see, you would think that would be a negative thing, that he has posted some random saying on his profile. But no! Finally something different, something other then “I like FUN.” It adds a sense of mystery! Bravo Ethifjkjvboa. Bravo.
His pictures include five pictures in which he is wearing the same shirt and holding the camera. Sad. One of them is a picture of him jumping on the beach. He has a pretty nice body for a forty year old man!
He is, in fact, what I would like my husband to look like. Eventually. So points for you Ethildfkjhw.
OH! Newguy28743 has visited my profile.
His profile picture is him, making an incredibly sceptical face. That seems appropriate.
The most private thing he is willing to admit:
“If you happen to have long and beautiful hair, you'll probably have to repeat yourself a few times.”
Ladies and Gentleman, we have a serial killer. Well, Newguy23458, I have very short hair. Like Romeo and Juliet, we are just ships passing in the night.
The internet is very romantic that way.
OkCupid question of the day:
The person you are seeing for awhile climbs in your window, crawls in bed with you and cuddles up. You find this:
- Scary
- A sign of neediness
- Cute
- A sign to ask them to move in!
Your thoughts?
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