It's Beginning To Feel...

I put up my tiny wee tree yesterday! And by put up I mean take out of the antique trunk I keep all my holiday decor in. It was my grandma's little tree. There are little felt santas, and little angels made out of netting and plastic. I'm pretty sure the ornaments are painted with lead paint, because they have this sheen to them now that they're over 30 years old. My ornaments are older then me.
It's my birthday in about a week!
24. Twenty four! Years old.
That is not so long. Sometimes it astounds me how not very long I have existed. Comparatively. Sometimes I like to make lists of things that are older then me.
Like the building I live in!
The car that's parked outside (It's a '72)
This neighborhood!
The space needle!
My Christmas tree!

I wonder if you ever wake up and feel like a grown up. I'll keep you in the loop; if I wake up on the 16th and want to do my taxes and not order Pagliaccis (cheese pizza with gorgonzola cheese on top) every Sunday at 11:00 PM, I'll let you know.
I get to watch my baby niece tomorrow while my sister takes my other two nieces to the Nutcracker.
God I love her. I love all three of them. I remember the night my oldest niece was born; I cried like my heart was breaking because I didn't even know her, but I knew I couldn't live without her. She was the tiniest, ugliest little thing I had ever seen, and I was overwhelmed with love for the tiny stranger.
It was so strange.
And I wonder if it's nature doing that; just to make sure that our little babies survive. Instilling a dramatic, instant love in the hearts of their relations.  I think I saw how tiny her hand was, wrapped around my thumb, and I knew I was responsible for her, in a way.

Now I make her pancakes in the shapes of 'L's and throw her in the air even though it's freaking killing my back. But I remember when people stopped throwing me in the air and it broke my heart, thinking that something had changed and coming to the conclusion that it was me.
So I will never stop throwing her in the air.
That will be awkward on prom night.

I think I'm going to paint a self portrait today. It seems appropriate at this point in my life. I have one from when i was about 16. I'll have to find that. It will probably be embarrassing, but what isn't from when I was 16?

It's just so wee!