Top Five Pick Up Lines

I know, you thought it was going to be part 2. Psych! Yeah, I'm bringing "pysch" back. From the 90's. We're gonna play POGS and yell "NOT!" and "PYSCH" at each other.
Instead of that, I'm going to share some pick up lines with you.
Guys seem to take a certain freedom with pick up lines on the internet, because I'm sure in real life they would choke on their own tongue if they tried to talk to me. On the computer, alone in their house, they imagine that they stride up to me, possibly holding a rose, and dip me back in my barstool saying:

Pick Up Line # 5
I think you are, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women on this site... And that is an understatement... To add more to that, you sound like you have an amazing personality, at least from what I have read about you... 
I know that I have already written to you, and you probably just ignored it, (I did) since there are so many guys out here that just want to get laid and throw you away after they get what they want... I am not like that, and I just want to treat you like a goddess... I want you to be my Cleopatra.
Oh man. Can't hold myself back from that one. But does he want to be Caesar or Antony? That's a pretty telling question. 


Pick Up Line #4
Hey cutie im a marine
Dayum. Hold me back guys! That was the whole message, nothing else. Hey buddy, I teach children's theater! Sup.


Pick Up Line #3
I eat a lot of mustard.... and i can't stop going back to the trampoline picture. what is it with hot ladies bouncing on trampolines that makes it so hot! sorry.
I love this one for so many reason. The "trampoline" picture he refers to is a picture of me in a sweatshirt and jeans jumping on a tiny tiny trampoline. Don't be thinking that I posted a bikini picture of me jumping. Gross. My bikini picture is me being really flexible.  Geeze. I have some pride. 


Pick Up Line #2
When are you going to admit your attraction for me? lol You seem very interesting! I would like to get a chance to know you!? Maybe a drink or something of your choosing?!
Me: I guess when you start using punctuation correctly!
Nah, your right! I dont have time for a perfectionist over silly shit. Your loss! C YA
I was in a bad mood that day. To be fair, he is probably right. Not about the "my loss" thing. But about the perfectionist over silly shit. I can't help it! He just seemed crazy excited with his punctuation!


Pick Up Line #1
I almost don't want to post this, because he really needs no boost to his ego. But I have never laughed so hard at a pick up "line". 
While I am flattered that you wish to swoop in and meet me just like that, understand I have a few reservations, as any insane man masquerading as a sane man masquerading as an insane man such as myself would have before jumping into bed with every seductive siren that beckons hither. 

But really, did you have to send me 73 messages in a 24 hour span? Okay... I'll bite.. you've got my attention... congratulations.. You sure chose an odd way to go about it, but it has worked, I'll admit that much. 

I was confused by that first note, but when you followed that odd letter with some poetry, I was intrigued.. but no sooner had you written, when you immediately sent me a follow up message asking why I had not responded to your poems. I'm sorry, but I'm not on here at all hours, and hadn't even received your message. Then you left that note stapled to my live cat, in MEXICO, and I have to admit, it was all a bit much, and believe me, I was kind of creeped out by the whole thing, but then I remembered that I made all of this up, and that you aren't crazy and I'm only pretending to be, and I felt better after that. 

So, fine.. I'm sold... I submit to your demands of unbridled lust and debauchery, though part of me thinks that the imaginary you that wrote me an imaginary letter is going to great lengths to just confuse me into meeting you out of sheer curiosity. That would be a dirty ploy, and I sincerely hope that it isn't the case.

Puzzled but intrigued,
               


Still have not met this gentleman in person, because I'm still not convinced he is not going to kidnap me and sell me to sex slavers in Mexico. I was convinced it was some sort of insane form letter that he sends to everyone he meets on okcupid, but he assures me this is not the case. 


I hope you guys are having a lovely day. It finally smells like Fall, I have a date tomorrow, and I have a million books from the library to read today. And eventually I will take a shower. 
I'm just so happy to not go to work today, I don't even care what I do! 
I've had a couple people tell me they are reading this blog, so what's up guys? Comment a little, show me some love. What is your worst pick up line? Whether you've had it said to you, or you just made it up. Post it! 

Your Hair Looks Nice From Behind

OkCupid has this new feature for the android called "Locals," which I guess is supposed to force you to interact connect you to people in your area at the time. Apparently what did not occur to the creators of this app, is that is a perfect stalking tool. It's basically stalking-made-easy.
I'm at work, doing my thing, restocking or what have you and my phone hollas at me.
mathew27 is in Queen Anne, right now! He wants to meet up with you!
It even does the little italics, to give you a sense of impending doom anticipation. I can only imagine it shows mathew27 the same thing.
This thought results in me looking over my shoulder so much I must seem epileptic to the people walking next to me. I can't help it; I must assume the worst. He's totally following me and smelling my hair.
In a perfect world, those of us that have grown some cojones would click "Yes, let's meet up!" And go on a fantastic and spontaneous date and everything would be hunky dory. But instead I'm a little bit nervous about this random meet up action, and can't bring myself to do it. That seems like a trap. I need to do a little research before heading out with these guys from the internet, CALL ME CRAZY.

It also may have to do with the fact that I work until 10:30 PM and then have to catch the 11:40 boat in West Seattle. It doesn't leave a lot of time for fantastical dates.
On Saturday I sat at the bar in Pagliacci's and devoured two slices of pizzas. Yeah weekend, woo!
It was delicious, I regret nothing.
Last night was kind of the employee weekend, and everyone went out for karaoke. Then I watched all the guys from work hit on different women in the bar! It was great. I drank about three whiskey sours, then I went home.
I think I need to work on seeming more available, but I don't know what that means. Less smart? Can anyone tell me? Seriously guys, if you know me, can you give me a break down of how I seemed the first time you meant me?
Needlessly bitchy?
Repellent?
Been a cold, dry summer my friends.

I just don't understand how you could resist this. Also,

this is my Hermione face. They made her all pretty in the 

movies and I was like, hell no. She is a crazy face. Stick

to the book man!

Enemy: 99 %

A nifty feature on Okcupid is their matching system. And by nifty, I mean potentially useless and fun to think about.
You answer questions on the site, and it gives you matches based on how many answers you have in common. Now, in a perfect world, this would totally make sense and everyone would find their perfect soul mate using this method. HOWEVER. People tend to have complicated personalities and cannot be defined by some random answer to a completely random question like:
If you had a pet, would you let it sleep in your bed?
For the record, it really depends how big the pet is.
That's the problem with me; I rarely answer questions Yes or No. There is always a possibility, a 'C' answer, a third option. Or a fourth or fifth.
 It's interesting to look at people that are your "matches," but you know what's even more interesting?
Finding people you would absolutely despise.
And going on dates with them. I bet you someone that is my "90% enemy" will be more attractive to me then my "99% matches". We'll see.

Let us begin with:
fmlshifty
Stats: 0% Match, 2% Friend, 99% Enemy
Profile Picture: Guy with shaved head hugging gigantic stuffed dog you might win at the fair.

WELL. It looks like he's at least 6" tall, so we're off to a good start.
Tell me a little about yourself FML:

"im a great listener... I know grammar and punctuation its just that im too lazy to press the shift key or the ' key. but you all know what i mean... lol"

Hmm. Okay, but what do you do?

"Im getting promoted fast and i deploy often. So basically FUCKING SHIT UP. :)"
Oh good. That seems legit. Fucking shit up with a smiley face. What's your favorite book, movie, etc?
cat in the hat
I also enjoy children's literature! Though not Dr. Seuss. At all. ... Let's move on to some questions. How do you feel about same sex relationships?
Girl on Girl is okay, but Guy on Guy is wrong.
But... That makes... no sense... Moving on... Do you like to discuss politics?
Hardly. Politics are boring or personal. 
What do you do for a living?
I'm in the army.

I think we're done here. 

chris1984mays
Stats: 0% Match, 0% Friend, 86% Enemy
Profile Picture: Guy in cowboy hat.
Okay, we have no chance of being friends ever, but that's okay. We can just be passionate lovers.
I just want to be able to have the conpanian ship of a woman
Oh. Okay. Uh, what do you like to do on Fridays?
I am a cow boy so the country club is were I go on weekends
Yeeha! I love cowboys. So tell me a sexy secret.
I am startin to think I will be alone all my life.
I'm sure that's... Not... True...

JuicyMcPirate
Stats: 0% Match, 16% Friends, 75% Enemy
Profile Picture: A pirate.
What are you pirates up to these days?
Pillagin' the gentry, keelhaulin' filthy bilge rats, drinkin' rum, buryin' me booty, n' makin' treasure maps. 
I loves me a good keelhauling. Tell me more.
Me life revolves 'round yonder high seas of the mighty Carribean. However, in recent times I have realized me life tis empty without a buxom wench at meside. Do to a shortage of time (what with cap'n duties and all) me only hope is too search the internet for me perfect wench.
I think I love you. 

Yar, I am so sexy my hair be steamin.

Mediocre Cupid

Let me break down Okcupid for you, my main source of online dating.

You make a profile, answer questions, and are hooked up with people who have given the same answers. They give you a percentage: Match, Friend or Enemy. Which I find laughable, considering that some of the best dates I’ve been on have been with people I disagree with.

This question also gives me pause:

Do you like to argue?

-Yes

-No

-Sometimes

So if you answer “Yes” and they match you with someone who also answered “Yes”, that you also agree with on many other questions and interests, you’ve just given these two people the worst date ever.

I’ve compiled a little translator for those of you new to the scene, to help you wade through the swamp of horribly written profiles to get to the rare, honest types.

The main tool I use is the flip tool! If a person’s statement makes them sound INSANE if you say the opposite, then they’re unimaginative and someone to avoid.

Example: I love fun!

Flip it.

I hate fun!

See?

You try it. Some common ones:

- I love the outdoors!  

- I’m trustworthy

- I like to travel

- I am passionate about my job

I would like to read a profile in which someone says:

“I like to stay indoors, I have no sense of humor and I will lie to your face.”

That would probably be more accurate, considering that most of these men are older, incredibly sensitive and lie about their weight.

But I’m being mean. That will happen often. You will learn to embrace it. I guess if I was being honest I would put “I’m mean” on my profile. Instead I have written:

“I am a load of fun. I like to explore and my favorite part of my day is my ferry ride home.”

I know. I am not a load of fun, I hate exploring and my least favorite part of my day is the ferry. Two of those three things are actually true on a weekly basis.

As I am writing this a pop up appears.

“Ehtilpthia has visited your profile! 41 yr old male from Seattle”

Random profile name old guy, you do not even suspect that today you will the subject of my blog post. I apologize.

So let’s check him out.

The things he could not live without are: Food, Shelter and Happiness.

No shit! Those are also things I could not live without! We are an 80% match. I should message him if I believe in honesty and pursuing my dreams.

But what if my dreams are to become a professional con artist? Con artists are probably a lonely people.

Let’s explore more.

He has graduated college and speaks fluent English and some Greek! These are all nice things. He is 5’10 and Christian. It is always important to check these stats, because I have been surprised multiple times now with the height differences.

The internet is for porn. And short people. And probably porn featuring short people.

Ethiefkoksg’s favorite saying this week is: “Brother Wonderful”. What does that even mean? Now see, you would think that would be a negative thing, that he has posted some random saying on his profile. But no! Finally something different, something other then “I like FUN.” It adds a sense of mystery! Bravo Ethifjkjvboa. Bravo.

His pictures include five pictures in which he is wearing the same shirt and holding the camera. Sad. One of them is a picture of him jumping on the beach. He has a pretty nice body for a forty year old man!

He is, in fact, what I would like my husband to look like. Eventually. So points for you Ethildfkjhw.

OH! Newguy28743 has visited my profile.

His profile picture is him, making an incredibly sceptical face. That seems appropriate.

The most private thing he is willing to admit:

“If you happen to have long and beautiful hair, you'll probably have to repeat yourself a few times.”

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a serial killer. Well, Newguy23458, I have very short hair. Like Romeo and Juliet, we are just ships passing in the night.

The internet is very romantic that way. 

OkCupid question of the day:

The person you are seeing for awhile climbs in your window, crawls in bed with you and cuddles up. You find this:

- Scary

- A sign of neediness

- Cute

- A sign to ask them to move in!

Your thoughts?